Being inexorable: better than positive thinking

by Jen (March 19, 2008)

People like to believe that keeping your thoughts positive makes life good. If only it were that simple! It’s a great theme for books and blogs because when the reader buys into it, she gets a rush of endorphins and it makes so much sense.

Then you come back to reality, where bad drivers can rear-end you no matter how you’re feeling. People can hurt you in relationships just when you thought it was all going so well. Cancer and miscarriages happen to happy, positive people. In The Princess Bride, Westley says, “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

Life has a lot of non-painful moments, too, but suffering certainly is a part of life, and no mindset can prevent it. What your mindset can do is help you handle suffering better.

The approach that’s made a difference in my life over the years is something I call “being inexorable.” The basic idea is: no matter what life throws at you, keep moving forward. Here are some examples of what I mean.

When I’m working toward a goal and life keeps throwing setbacks at me that are beyond my control, I force myself to smile and say, “Bring it on.” I think of life as some overeager kid challenging the infamous gun-slinger (that’s me) to a duel. He may waste a few minutes of my time, but he’s not going to win. Use a sports metaphor, if you prefer: the point is to get yourself to see it as a challenge of skills where you’re the reigning champ. Somehow when you don’t take it so seriously and give yourself a minute to breathe, the solutions become obvious. Or you get the wisdom and patience to focus your energy on something more productive until the problems beyond your control sort themselves out.

This works really well with mean people, too. Unless you think they’re truly crazy, it’s actually very effective to smile at them and tell them, “Bring it on” or “I’d like to see you try.” If you’re afraid they may actually be nuts enough to cause you real harm, then wait until you’re away from them and tell it to yourself. No sense provoking a mad bull.

But what about when really bad things happen, that you can’t possibly think of as a game? What about a serious bout of unemployment, being in constant discomfort or pain, situations of abuse? To a degree, you can still think of these things as challenges. Very serious challenges with very serious consequences, but still: when you worry, you choke. The possible solutions don’t flow into your mind. I’m not saying to make light of these things, but sometimes ignoring your emotions and focusing on “What can I do?” leads you to overcome a situation where you thought you were powerless. But remember there are some situations you can’t fix, and kicking yourself over that (or blaming yourself for not “thinking positive” enough) is counterproductive. Think of the Serenity prayer AA members learn: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” Whether you’re religious or not, that’s a pretty good summary of what life’s all about: fixing what you can, and knowing when to cut your losses.

What about death? Death is the one thing that absolutely no mindset can conquer. In the end, the game of life is rigged and there’s only one outcome. This is absolutely no consolation when you’re losing someone you love, or facing your own imminent death. Some people turn to belief in an afterlife to cope with their fear of death. But even if you choose faith, I think it’s important to remember that as lonely as death feels when it’s happening to you or someone you love, it is the one single experience we all share. Everyone who loved you or hated you or was indifferent to you, the people who had things you wanted and the people who wanted what you had… we all come to the same end. Ultimately, there are no winners at the game of life.

But you can be a damn good player.

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