Even soulmates need a plan

by Jen (March 1, 2007)

I found a great webpage listing questions you and your prospective spouse should ask one another before tying the knot. These aren’t just questions that could determine you to be incompatible, so don’t think of it like that: these are questions that could save you from painful arguments or feelings of isolation and frustration if you deal with them now instead of later. Just the act of discussing them will give you some training in how to talk about issues, debate and argue in healthy ways.

There are a couple I would add to the list - less on the finance side (even though money is often cited as what breaks up more marriages than anything else) and more on the personal side.

• How do you define infidelity? Is a kiss infidelity to you? What about something that’s more than a kiss but less than sex? What about your partner becoming infatuated with someone even though she or he never touches this other person? And do you want to know if these things are happening, or would you prefer your spouse keep it from you? If your potential spouse answers these questions differently than you do, you’ve got to work out a set of rules you can both live with.
• What if someone gets a great job offer that requires relocation, and the other likes where you’re living now? How will you decide together whether the job is accepted or rejected? Are you both willing to make equal compromises in this area?
• Everyone can suffer emotional upsets. From post-pardum to mid-life crisis, from losing a parent to losing a job, sadness and grief can change your partner’s personality. If this happens, do you have a plan how to approach your partner and let them know their behavior is hurting you but you want to help them work through it? Are you prepared to listen if your partner tells you the same? This is part of “sickness and health.” “My partner changed” is no excuse to have an affair or get a divorce before you’ve even attempted to address the change and figure out if it’s permanent or temporary.
• What if you grow apart? Are you prepared to either let each other go gracefully, or do you have a plan to stay together yet somehow give each other more room? Either approach can be healthy: demanding that your partner stay the same to please you is not. People do grow, and if you love someone, you should want that for them.

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