How to deal with someone who self-sabotages

by Jen (April 5, 2008)

Some people get in their own way. We all do, really - it’s just that some people seem to cause themselves a lot more trouble than others. If you care about someone like this, it can be very frustrating trying to be a friend. Or you may think someone who self-sabotages is just looking for attention.

What causes self-sabotage

Once upon a time, a basically kind person decided to do a little something that was selfish and hurt someone else. It was just a little slip in an otherwise giving, caring life. Only it didn’t feel the way to the person who got hurt. That person learned “It’s okay to hurt people a little” and went around doing just that, only he took it a step further. And so on and so forth until you end up with people who grow up surrounded by hurtful, selfish people and don’t know how to be anything but a victim.

Fear of the unknown is powerful. If the only attention, kindness or sympathy you’ve gotten has been because you were a victim, then you fear what will happen if your problems get solved. Will everyone go away? Will they not help you the next time you need help? What will you do with all that time you were spending on being a victim - you haven’t learned the other skills you need to live happily?

No one sabotages themselves alone. They start out being sabotaged by others, then don’t know what else to do with themselves. So have some sympathy.

But beyond sympathy, how can I help? This is where it get tricky. If a person is locked into victim mode and doesn’t know how to live without calamity and troubles aplenty, you can’t help them. If you fix their problems or teach them how to fix their own, they will either lash out of cut you out of their life to make sure that doesn’t happen again. All you can really do is be an example. Accept them as they are, but don’t let them wear you out with their constant need for more sympathy. Be understanding and don’t offer solutions. When you get frustrated, just take a break. If you can’t accept them, then move on. They will probably use you as an example of Yet Another Person Who Turned On Me but something like that was going to happen sooner or later anyway.

Some of them actually do change, and that’s where the example you set can come in handy. Some people locked in victim-mode eventually come to understand what’s happened to them, and then they start looking for new ways to behave. If you are happy in your life, they can mimic you or come to you and ask for tips on how to approach people or handle situations. If they reach a point where they can tell you, “I see now what I was doing wrong - I just don’t know what to do instead”, you can begin to help them help themselves.

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