How to have an equal partnership

by Jen (July 2, 2008)

In a partnership of any kind - a marriage, a working relationship, a friendship or the dreaded “group project” in school - sometimes it feels like you’re doing all the giving and the other person is doing all the taking. Unfortunately, they usually feel the same way. We humans tend to notice how things are unfair toward us a lot sooner than we notice how we’re being unfair to someone else.

Now, I’m not one of those bloggers who thinks she’s a guru who has all the answers. I’m just like everybody else, and the following is just what I’ve figured out along my way.

What is an equal partnership? There’s no one answer. My answer would be a relationship which is a win-win for everyone involved. Even in business, I don’t care whether I’m giving more as long as I’m getting everything I hoped for in exchange for a level of giving that’s comfortable to me. But in some situations, especially certain business or financial arrangements, that’s not practical. Listen to your gut: do you feel taken advantage of? Do you feel that you’re taking advantage? Even if you have a voice from childhood telling you “You should be grateful for [what your partner gives you]” or “You shouldn’t have to contribute much to get everything you want”, what does your gut tell you? It’s hard to be as honest with yourself as you need to be, but it’s crucial. There’s no rule that says partners have to split the tasks exactly evenly, but nor is there a rule that one partner or the other should expect the moon just for gracing the other with his/her presence.

Communication is essential. A shouting match in which everyone’s listing off all the stuff they do and all the trials they have to endure doesn’t get you anywhere. You need to have a conversation in which everyone gets a turn to list their grievances or contributions. You need to ask (and be asked!) questions like, “What would you rather me do?” And when you can’t comply with a request, say so and add, “What else can I do to make up for it?”

Dealing with entitlement. Someone who was raised to think s/he’s special can be the nicest person in the world and still just not get why you think a partnership in which you do all the work and s/he contributes one brilliant idea every now and then isn’t equal. It’s a real challenge to break down this thinking. Sometimes you need to show them precisely how much time, energy and/or money your contributions to the relationship are costing you. In personal relationships, sometimes you need to discuss how your partner’s upbringing is different from most people’s - how most people learn early on they have to give in order to get.

Keep in mind that you may be the entitled one and not realize it. A familiar (if dated) version of this refrain is the man who works at a job all day who comes home and has no idea how much his stay-at-home wife has labored from dawn until well after dinner, and concludes she has it easy while he does all the work. Remember that in any partnership, you can easily  underestimate what your partner is contributing when you’re not around. To use the above scenario, now most people realize the partner who stays at home often works harder than the one bringing in a paycheck, because some jobs are very easy but home chores are always a bunch of drudgery. Of course, I’m not just talking about marriages here - it’s just a handy example to remember when someone tells you they’re contributing more than you think.

Sorting through the B.S. Of course, some partners will exaggerate or lie about their contributions because they’re too lazy to do their part and like things just the way they are. This is tricky because it’s not like there’s an absolute scientific way to prove who’s doing the most - listing off who does what doesn’t cover every situation. If you really feel you’re being taken advantage of, and you’ve explained this as best you can, and your partner isn’t changing (or changes for a while before returning to old habits), you have to decide whether you want to continue dealing with this person (knowing you may always have to do extra giving) or not.

The bottom line question to ask yourself is: “Which is more important to my partner? Keeping our relationship alive, or keeping his contribution level where s/he likes it?” In a personal relationship, if you’re less important than your partner’s convenience, it may be time to move on. In business, it’s more tricky: sometimes you need what the other person is offering so badly that you have to let him/her dictate the terms. Focus on whether you’re comfortable with what you’re giving and getting, and if you are,  forget about how much the other person gets or gives. Just don’t worry about it.

These tips are intended to give you something to think about. There is no one right answer, and what works for me may not be what works for you.

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