Marrying someone who doesn’t approach finances like you do

by Jen (March 2, 2008)

Yesterday I talked about living with a roommate or partner who’s totally financially irresponsible, and my answer boiled down to: don’t. But what about a partner who just doesn’t agree with you about budgeting and saving? This person gets that bills need to be paid on time, but thinks when you get a windfall, you should blow it all on a cruise; when you get a raise, you should celebrate with a $300 dinner. This person may expect to receive expensive treats from you, or may lavish you with expensive stuff when all you want to do is put away a down payment for a house. Topics like IRAs, 401ks and retirement planning get a glazed stare in response as they tune you out.

Can you build a financial life with someone who has a fundamentally different approaches to finance? Remember that money is one of the top reasons why couples divorce. Here are my suggestions:

• Keep finances separate. This won’t help much in the longterm - how do you buy a house with separate finances if only one partner has saved for the down payment? - but it gives you the chance to demonstrate to them what financial security is like. There will come a time when they really need savings, don’t have any and are forced to take a second job or something. Meanwhile, when you have emergencies, you will pull the money you need out of savings without stress. After seeing this, some people wise up and decide to follow your example. (Also, if you eventually split up, your finances won’t be that hard to disentangle.)
• Try to educate them on the value of having savings. Get them to read a book on personal finance, or take them to a seminar. Instead of emphasizing the bad things that can happen if you don’t save, emphasize the wonderful things that can happen when you do. Most people respond better to positive incentives than to scare tactics.
• Compromise. If your partner is willing to stop buying excessively, but refuses to brownbag all his work lunches because getting out with co-workers is the only thing that makes a bad day at work tolerable, it’s a start. You may never agree 100% on what expenditures are worthwhile, but if you both do some compromising, you may find you can save enough to feel secure without either of you feeling deprived.

Beyond that, there’s not much you can do besides evaluate whether it’s really a problem in the relationship. If it’s keeping you from buying a shared house or shared car, then it’s a problem that needs to be resolved. If it can’t be resolved, then this might not be the person for you. After all, if someone loves you and sees that their approach to money is hurting you, they should be willing to meet you at least halfway.

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Posted in Personal Development
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