February 20, 2008
Permissive Parenting: Why Kids Need to Hear No
by Jen (February 20, 2008)
Every generation has some parents who decide they’re never going to tell their kids “no”. When asked why, most of them say they think “no” will “break their spirit” or “hurt their self-esteem.” This is absolutely false. Kids need to be told “no” when it’s appropriate, and telling them “no” will not hurt their self-esteem (unless you do it in a mean way).
Kids are not emotionally ready to be in charge. We all know kids aren’t intellectually capable of making the best choices, but it’s also true that there are only so many choices a day kids can make without becoming anxious. Being the one to decide means that you’re in charge. Kids do need to be allowed some decisions in order to learn to think in terms of action and consequences, but the amount of choices left to them needs to increase gradually. If you leave a seven year old to make all her own decisions, not only will she make bad decisions, but she may lash out in anger and misbehave because you’re putting everything off on her and she’s not ready for the burden. For kids, having too many choices causes anxiety.
The way to tell kids “no” is calmly and firmly, with clear words. “Honey, I don’t know if you should be doing that” is not “no” - that’s Mom talking to herself out loud as far as a kid is concerned. “Don’t do that” is clear. Use a firm, calm tone of voice - don’t sound uncertain or angry (although you may need to put some sternness into your tone if the kid is ignoring you at first).
Introduce choices gradually at the appropriate age levels. If you let a five year old order for himself every time you go to McDonald’s, odds are he will order the same thing every time. If you want him to branch out, you have to either order for him or convince him to try something new. But you can ask this same child which outfit he wants to wear each day for school, because he knows (or will quickly grasp) that people don’t wear the same thing every day. This is the sort of choice he can handle.
Teach kids how choices lead to results. You can’t let a seven year old decide whether or not to do her schoolwork (believe it or not, some people do) - she most likely won’t. But you can explain your reasoning: that if she doesn’t do her homework, she’ll fall behind the other kids and it will only get worse in the long run. Show her that you’re trying to save her a lot of trouble by making her do the annoying task now; she may not like it, but she’ll do it, and someday she’ll get it.
When this same child has a choice of topics to write a report on, that’s when you can guide her through a decision of her own: which homework topic to choose.
Be consistent! Never, ever tell a kid he can’t do something and then ignore it when he does. Likewise, don’t yell at him for doing something you’ve never suggested he can’t. If your rules aren’t consistent, you lose all credibility - which is really a pain when kids reach those teenage years. It’s okay to make exceptions to rules and to change rules as the kid becomes more mature. Just make sure they understand that the application of whatever rules are in place will be consistent.
So what does wreck a kid’s self-esteem? Commenting that they’re not smart, or pretty, or convenient to your lifestyle. Comparing them unfavorably to their siblings or to other people’s kids (or to yourself - that one just blows me away). Not listening to them or to their side of a story told to you by a teacher (you may not believe them, but you do have to listen). Not making time for them. And not bothering to set boundaries.
Subscribe to feed updates or email updates
Save it: Stumble it! | Del.icio.us |
Digg
Posted in Parenting
Want your tip featured on Bohemian Revolution? Click here!
February 20th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Some good tips. It’s interesting how evrything under the sun is offered or required classes in college but none involves parenting or child rearing.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:37 am
“Mother and Father must read and understand before leaving facility with baby!”
I wish this article was required reading for all parents, handed out with birth certificates. Kids need and WANT rules because they learn from us what the rules of life are. When they push, they test us to see how much we care about what they do…It makes them feel safe because we are in charge. In modern times, it’s easy to see the results of children choosing their own paths. Many thanks to the author.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I think you’ve got some good points, but I have to disagree about the restaurant thing. I am healthy. I eat a varied diet. I’m adventurous about trying new foods, when I want to be. But at most restaurants, I always order 1 or 2 favorite things. It’s one thing if your child wants dessert all the time, and won’t eat fruit/veg/protein. It’s another to insist that he try more than one kind of fast food at a certain restaurant. I fail to see the value in that. If you feel strongly about your child trying new things, you can let him get what he wants, and then offer a bite of yours. Most adults would rather have a sure thing when they’re really hungry, instead of something they might not like.
Kids hit natural limits all day long. They can’t take other people’s things, they have to go places/leave with their family or caregiver, they can’t reach things, read things, etc. etc. I don’t think saying no will break my child’s spirit or hurt her self-esteem. I do think that, like you or me but more so, once she is brusquely shut down by someone or otherwise frustrated a certain times in any given day, she feels unhappy and cranky. I don’t create arbitrary limits because being a kid is hard enough. I say no or take things away when there is a real danger that can’t be dealt with another way. I make her leave places when she doesn’t want to, when the family has to get somewhere. I almost never have to say no, and my kid is not anxious at all.
Even tiny babies can choose from 2 options. My daughter was choosing which book I would read to her when she was 2 months old. This is the key, in between step that you have left out. Kids benefit immensely from feeling like they have a little control over their lives.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Chris, that’s so true!
Jennifer, thank you.
Alex, a varied diet is recommended for health, so many parents feel they should encourage kids to try new foods from time to time. I wasn’t saying everyone should, I was just using that as an example.
Did I “miss” the in between step you talk about?
I think I said kids need to make some choices at all times so they can learn about decisions and consequences, and the number and types of choices vary with age.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Love this article, and even shared it with a parenting message board (and gave you credit, of course! ;))