Should kids talk to strangers?

Short answer? Yes. But not until the parent understands why and has given the kid proper “training.

The rule used to be “don’t talk to strangers.” Few of the kids I knew really understood why not: we thought it was just another annoying rule because parents hadn’t the heart to tell us strangers might kidnap or harm us.

This depends somewhat on where you live, but not based on the amount of crime in your area. If you live way out in the boonies where no travelers tend to go, in a community where everybody knows everybody, then a stranger might actually be more suspect than someone you don’t know in the middle of an urban area where people don’t know their neighbors’ names.

Here are some suggestions.

• Tell your kids there are bad people in the world. Innocence isn’t tarnished by knowledge: it’s tarnished by experience, and that’s exactly what you’re trying to prevent. They need to know not everyone has their best interest at heart. To temper this (so they don’t feel totally paranoid), you can tell them these people are rare but there’s no way of telling with a stranger. Or you could tell them these people are sick and can’t help themselves and so we have to avoid them.
• Take your kid to a mall or other congested, but contained area. Have them approach strangers and interact with the strangers a little. When your kid comes back to you, ask them for impressions of the stranger. Kids actually have well-honed instincts for when someone’s a little “off”. Encourage them to trust these instincts. What makes kids vulnerable to harmful people is their total dependence on the goodwill of adults, which causes them to do their best to please any adult. As they get older, you’ll want them making smart choices about the company they keep – this is a great way to start on that.
• Promise to believe them if they tell you they’re concerned about an adult (or even another kid – abused kids sometimes act out on other kids). Even if it’s a teacher. The local minister or priest. A politician. A policemen. Even family or a friend of family. While kids can be mistaken (a harmless eccentric might scare a child, for example), you’re not being asked to call the police: all the child is really asking is not to be left alone with that person. That’s usually an easy request to accommodate.
• Never, ever tell your child that because someone she knows is a minister, teacher, respected business person, person who attends your church, etc., the child must be mistaken in getting a bad vibe from that person. Most predators know how to hide in plain sight: they’re nice folks, they dress well, they get married and go to your church and have nice, respectable jobs and help other folks out. Some of them may even pursue careers and positions of authority because they know people will be predisposed by their prejudices not to believe any ill said about them – especially by a child. Don’t play into their game.
• This’ll sound like a contradiction to the last point, but tell your kid if he’s feeling vulnerable in a public situation to go to a police officer, security guard, store clerk or woman for help. I know it sounds sexist to throw “women” in there, but the logic I’ve heard is simple statistics: women are much less likely to harm kids than men are. Also, even young women may be more sympathetic to a scared child who’s not their responsibility, because as I pointed out above, women never stop being targets for predators themselves.

Subscribe to Bohemian Revolution!
Email Post | Print This
Posted in Parenting on July 22, 2010