Staying confident when life attacks
If you’re wondering why I haven’t been posting so much lately, it’s simple: life has been throwing me one intolerable, unfair, difficult problem after another for the past couple of months. When I had the time to work on writing articles for this site, I didn’t have the headspace. When I had the headspace, I had to work on the problems.
Sound familiar? I think most everyone goes through times like this now and then. You try to stay positive and not get stressed, to remind yourself of the bigger problems you could be having (and others are having), but that’s a tall order – especially when the people you need to deal with to fix the problems aren’t doing their part, or aren’t even being reasonable.
But I realized something this month: staying positive is important. Keeping your cool is important. But what I really needed to master was keeping my confidence. Every time the unreasonable people “won” a battle, I felt like I was going to lose the war, and then I had even less energy to deal with things. So here’s what I did:
Reality persuasion
A month ago, when I was feeling good, I searched Craigslist for apartments in my area (yes, some of my troubles are apartment related!). I was shocked and thrilled to discover rental prices had gone down (that never happens in my metro area) and I could get something nicer than I was living in now for less money.
This morning, after being kept up all night by noisy neighbors, I checked Craigslist again and was disappointed to see that prices had gone back up a little (though not much) and there were fewer options that were actually both nicer and cheaper than my current situation.
But you know what? I thought about the confidence thing, and the fact that I was feeling deflated today, and took a fresh look. I’d been wrong! Last month when I looked, there were only 5-6 options that were both nicer and cheaper than my place now (which is 5-6 more than you’d usually find!). This time, there were still 5-6 that met that criteria. Additionally, there were quite a few really nice places for just under what I’m paying now. And there were actually some even less expensive options offering the amenities I want than there were last month. In fact, prices are still falling a little bit, and I have lots of options: go with something cheaper and nicer, or something about the same price but much, much nicer.
I never like it when people say a positive attitude helps – it sounds like they’re saying getting beaten up won’t hurt if you just think happy thoughts. But it’s important to realize that our perception of reality is shaped very much by the mood we’re in when we’re looking at it. When you’re in a bad mood and need to make a judgment call, assume things probably aren’t as bad as they seem at the moment.
Get a confidence partner
I found a friend who also gets deflated when life seems determined to drive her crazy. Now we call each other when it happens and talk about all the reasons to feel positive. To do this, you have to:
- Learn to notice when you’re losing confidence. Are you having a lot of negative thoughts? Are you tired, depressed, uncomfortable? Even an upset stomach can throw off your assessment of a situation. Notice these things about yourself, and realize when you’re not in the best frame of mind.
- Keep a list – an actual list somewhere – of all the things that are on your side. “Yes, this part of the situation is against me, but these other parts work for me. All I have to do is figure out how to use the good parts to fix the bad.” Remind yourself of the positives.
- Assure yourself “There is always a way.” Not to get what you want or even deserve – sometimes that just isn’t going to happen. But there’s always a way out of the situation, or a way to get through it, or a way to manipulate it to be more tolerable.
- Assure yourself “This too shall pass.” Good stuff can’t last forever, but neither can problems.
- Lie to yourself. By the same token that it’s no help worrying about what you can’t fix, it’s also okay to convince yourself things aren’t as bad as they are. This belief might even give you the confidence to attract some help from someone who has a solution you never thought of, or couldn’t have implemented yourself.
Get your mind onto something else
Once you’ve got your confidence bouyed again, focus on something else. I chose to write this post. It’s a positive thing for me, and hopefully for you, and it reminds me that my current problems are not controlling my life completely. It also reminds me there are many things in my life that are working for me, no matter what’s going wrong.
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Hello.I am so glad that i have read your comment. How true your words are. Yes, we do need to balance our life in such a way so we can overcome what ever the life will throu at us. We must get patient – sit back and see where in our life we are heading. Are we really ill, or just not up to it. Yes, a very good friend can see us in another way than we can see ourselves. They can give advise and it is up to us to ponder over it.Just keep up the good work. It is always nice to know that i am not the only one who have problems! There are some who can cope without help, but i am one who is old and white been there and done that, yet still can not work it out how to get rid of my problems. Well i wish you all the very best for your future. Kindest regards: J
Julianna, there have been plenty of problems I didn’t get rid of, but just hung in there until eventually the situation changed in some way. There are *always* people and situations bigger than we are, and when they cause us trouble, sometimes we can solve it but often we just have to endure. The thing I’ve learned is not to let that make me feel defeated, because feeling defeated doesn’t help anything. And all those people who talk like they easily conquer every obstacle in their way? They’re either exaggerating, or they’re very privileged and fortunate and have a lot more resources for solving problems than most of us (money, connections, power, etc.). I think most often they’re exaggerating. But for those who are so privileged, good for them! Only I shouldn’t let it make me feel bad, because if I had their resources, I could solve my problems too!
Thinking positive doesn’t necessarily fix anything, but it does help me stay sane when there’s nothing more you can do.
Best wishes to you, too!