Tactics to try instead of ultimatums and threats

by Jen (February 29, 2008)

The big problem with using ultimatums and threats in negotiating is that you’re giving the other person a choice. No matter how bad the choice is, there’s something in human nature that wants to take it just to show you you’re not the boss. Or to see if you’ll really follow through - which you probably had no intention of doing.

Instead, focus on telling people how it’s going to be and why. There’s more than one way to do this, according to the situation. When you’re in charge, use phrases like, “…so we’re going to do X, and we’re going to have it done by Friday. Any questions?” This actually comes off much stronger than “We’re going to have it done by Friday, or else someone’s getting fired.” It can also be inspiring. When dealing with kids, just give orders. You don’t owe them an explanation - though it’s good to share your reasoning with them now and then so they can learn to think in terms of action and consequence.

When you’re dealing with someone who has power over you (boss) or is your equal in the decision making process (spouse), use phrases like, “Okay, but I need X in order to give you what you want” and “I feel like I’ve really given a lot here, and I’d like to get X out of it.” Show them how cooperation will benefit you both, how you’re both going to do some giving and getting.

Of course, all of this assumes you’re going to be reasonable in your negotiations. If you ask the impossible, or something wildly disproportionate to what you’re giving, it’s not going to matter how you go about it.

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Posted in Parenting, Work
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